


in disguise (the world can't see me)

by lovestillaround



Series: bingo fest 2019 [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 15:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20817338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: Dan has a habit of going out when he isn't well





	in disguise (the world can't see me)

**Author's Note:**

> for the bingo square: all or nothing
> 
> thank you @thewakeless for beta reading <3

It’s all or nothing with him.

He tends to view his life and himself in extremes. He’s great. He’s a failure. His life is pretty good or a complete disaster. All he wants in life is love, touch, some intimate connection, and in the next moments he shuts the door behind himself as he leaves the apartment – no phone, no jacket, no unnecessary feelings.

So now he’s outside, occupying the narrow pavement of a rather empty London street. He looks left and right and crosses it, trying to get away, as fast as he can. His steps are quick and soon he starts running out of breath, but he keeps going.

Dark thoughts are his companion, dark thoughts and the darkening sky, and the wind that makes goosebumps appear on the naked skin of his forearms. It’s so cold outside, and he wishes he could go back and at least take this goddamn jacket with him – but he can’t, fear and anger wouldn’t let him do it, the strangely urgent determination to leave all those familiar surroundings wouldn’t let him do it.

So he’s freezing his ass off, and even though he’s still walking fast, his working muscles don’t make him feel much warmer.

His brain feels hazy, as if the cold temperature has frozen half of the neurons there. He isn’t sure if such thing is possible, or if it’s the right way to describe it, but he doesn’t want to dwell on it. For all he knows he needs some grounding, so he tries to focus on something physical – first the bricks of the pavement, then the passing cars, finally the houses and the sky that is completely covered with white-greyish clouds.

It takes a while, but at some point his head starts to clear out, though he still feels off, like he’s not entirely himself. He doesn’t care that what he’s doing is really stupid. He doesn’t care that he barely even knows where he is and that he’s risking getting lost.

It’s a perpetual issue of his faulty mind – he either cares too much or not at all. He would either bleed out doing something he loves or not try at all.

He always knew that something was wrong, but it took him such a long time to realise that a big portion of his thinking has been black and white – no grey, no colour, absolute dichotomy.

That’s probably the reason why he’s here right now. Normally, he would much rather stay at home than go out in weather like this. He prefers the comfort of his laptop, blanket, and the internet connection to the exposure that comes with facing the outside world. Normally, even if for some reason he went out, he wouldn’t be walking that fast because why the hell would he waste his precious energy on something so trivial, and boring, and unnecessary.

Normally, he would be seeking out Phil’s touch and presence instead of trying to run away from him.

His inner turmoil isn’t always obvious. Maybe because he’s a good liar, so skilled that he can hide half of his personality, so experienced that sometimes he can even believe his own lies. It comes easy to him, to choose what he wants to present to the world and stick to it. And if he changes his mind about the way he wishes to present himself? Well, it isn’t at all that hard to deal with. It’s like putting a video on private, hoping that maybe this time people will ignore this action, and maybe someday the overwhelming majority of them won’t care about it anymore.

It isn’t always easy to know what he really thinks or feels because he often hides it. Sometimes there’s just no point in sharing his emotions or opinions with others. It’s the easiest way to get hurt, and he is so hurt already that it isn’t worth the risk.

*

When he comes home, he’s shaking from cold. He didn’t take the keys, so Phil needs to open the door for him.

He’s an idiot.

He wanted to avoid him for as long as possible, and now he needs to face him, face his fears, maybe talk, maybe explain himself even though he doesn’t have any explanation.

When Phil opens the door, Dan notices that his eyes seem wider than usual, as if he’s surprised or scared.

Dan doesn’t look at him long enough to analyse it. He passes him by without a word and goes to his room. His room that is actually their room, it’s only _ officially _ his own. In real life, he and Phil share everything except for cereal. Maybe they shouldn’t.

“Dan,” Phil calls out weakly behind him.

Maybe he shouldn’t.

*

All-or-nothing thinking. Black-and-white thinking. A form of cognitive distortion. That’s what clever people call it.

Before Dan learns the vocabulary, he calls it being crazy and unstable.

*

There was a time when he didn’t know that his thinking was… well, wrong. Unhealthy. He just has high standards towards himself, he thought. He is a perfectionist. And it’s not like everything is terrible with his life, and with him, because he has moments when he feels clever. And great. Valuable, worth of love.

And then there are moments when it all disappears and there’s just a void.

*

He remembers the moment when he got fired. He felt like the dumbest person on earth.

In some way, he felt like his life was over.

He also felt like his life was over when he dropped out of university. This feeling was quite different. He didn’t mourn it much – his career, the degree he could have gotten. He didn’t fall into despair. But he did feel like he had nothing else to offer.

Who was he? A loser who didn’t have anything figured out. The embodiment of a failure, too weak to stick to his plans. He felt like he wasn’t capable of anything.

Trying to use the laundry room was too scary, too hard, and he wanted to become a lawyer? He thought he could be in court, defend people, speak publicly and be all professional?

Laughable.

Absolutely laughable.

*

He remembers – Phil’s surprised voice, telling him that he has to go to his exam.

He remembers – crying so hard that his whole body was shaking, and that he was wheezing because he couldn’t catch his breath.

He still remembers how empty he felt when he finally stopped breaking down. Sitting on the kitchen floor. The taste of the hot chocolate Phil made him that day. His worry. His soft voice.

He remembers thinking that he was a failure. For a long time, no words of reassurance could convince him that he actually isn’t.

*

At some point he’s ready to leave his room, and he realises once again that even in his own mind, he calls that room his bedroom, not their bedroom.

Maybe he doesn’t want to associate the grey and black duvet covers with Phil. Maybe it would feel like spreading the disease.

*

“I don’t want you to just…” he starts. The haze in his brain is back, he can’t focus. “Don’t want you to stick with me, even when it’s obviously not good for you.”

“Who said it’s not good for me?” Phil asks. Dan is surprised by his composure.

“I – I said that.”

“Don’t you think that I have the right to decide for myself what’s the best for me?”

“Don’t be stupid, Phil,” he says, but his voice breaks on the name and he can’t hold back the tears.

Maybe it’s those tears, maybe they alter his vision in some very strange way because right now he thinks that he has never seen so much love in Phil’s eyes before.

*

_ He has a hasty personality and he’s very quick to love or hate. _

Sometimes he wishes it wasn’t actually true. He learns how to work with that, though. He slowly learns how to accept himself. 

There are moments when he still wants to run away. It’s hard to stay when he isn’t a perfect boyfriend. 

Some days he stays. Other days he doesn’t.

*

He always comes back. 

He progresses slowly from disappearing for hours without a word and then locking himself up in his room to letting Phil hold him when he returns. He doesn’t shy away from looking at Phil’s puffy eyes or his clenched jaw. 

Trying to convince himself that he isn’t the most terrible person takes more effort.

Still, whenever Phil holds out his hand, Dan takes it. 

And whenever he can hide his face in the crook of Phil’s neck, he does.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/post/188023224743/in-disguise-the-world-cant-see-me-rating-t)


End file.
